my chromosomes are full of why

KENNNAYYYYYYYY

Kenny Tran is one true nigger. Everyday during school we would walk to lunch together, stand in line together, wait for each other after we bought our food. And he also gave me the package of silverware. Small shit like that just shows his genuinely generous sexy ass nature. He doesn’t have much to say in the way of words, but his contribution to the group atmosphere is important, and missed when not there (LIKE WHEN YOU WENT TO VIETNAM WHAT THE FUCK YOU BITCH). He can keep a level head when everyone is losing/raging in a game and likes trying new things. He also lets us use his house for parties, which is total bs because we don’t really give anything back except a mess to clean up. He’s super good at math, and has helped me learn the whole unit right before ever math test, so I never fail miserably. He motivates people, and although sometimes condescending and annoying, it’s out of looooooove and he just wants everyone to succeed.

He also has a really big, black dick. And who doesn’t love big black dick?

He also shakes his ass to Mister. And fits into my tight pants. Our scrota have touched indirectly. 

I don’t really have a favorite movie. I don’t really connect with things too much on a deep level.

Everything is just pew pew or QQ. Nothing really hits me.

Some good movies are Disney’s Pocahontas because of the message, (500) Days of Summer because of how everyone can relate, and I Love You, Man because of the memory and hilarity. 

Probably sometime at Church camp. Or during a sermon or during a conversation between some pushy Christian and a non-believer friend of mine.

Point is, meh.

Tien Dang!

I met you at a DART station after the state fair in 2009 I do believe. I didn’t know you but someone in my group knew you so I think we said hi and your white friends were mean to me (in jest, I hope). We’ve seen each other in real life so few times I can count them on one hand, but that doesn’t really matter. Like you said, we are the same person, just a different gender. I admire your perseverance and ability to stand back up after getting knocked down. You motivate me to do my best and never give up and be friendly and awesome and whatnot. Thank you for giving me advice last summer. And more recently. And all the time ever. I hope you know I’m here for you, too. You’re wonderful and I hope your wildest unicorn dreams come trueeeeeee!

Dear Microwave, Little Big Sister, etc,

I can’t really express what you mean to me. I guess if you wanted to count kidish, petty love as real love, you were my first love. I don’t really know why. Perhaps it was how I couldn’t say your name correctly in 1st/2nd period English on the first day of 6th grade when we played the name game. Or how you talked or walked. Or made me feel cool by inviting me to your birthday party. Doesn’t really matter. We went to Six Flags and spent a lot of time around each other. You took me to church every week and your parents took care of me and gave me advice and let me spend the night several times (a thing unheard of!). I felt accepted and loved by you guys more than I had ever felt from my biological family. For once I knew what it was like to be welcome, a real family member.

Then it just… faded. I know exactly what happened. I won’t say it here, but it happened, and I think it ruined whatever our friendship was. Suddenly I didn’t want to be around you, or I felt like you didn’t have time for me, or I had been replaced. Something like that.

It pains me dearly, and I wish that could change. I’m glad you were around when you were, though, because I don’t know where I’d be now if you had not been. I hope you’re happy with whatever you’re doing in life, now. Thank you for everything.

Love,
Button Dutton, Big Little Brother, etc. 

Looking for Alaska by John Green.

It’s a very teenager book. I don’t think it is some literary masterpiece that should go down in history forever. 

But I do think it’s a good read. I think that at the time that I read it (freshman year), it fit into my life very well. 

I was timid, shy. Unwilling to seek my Great Perhaps. I don’t know why I felt that way. I sat at home and played Team Fortress 2 for hours on end. I could rack up 50 hours in 2 weeks. And I was still doing well in school. At a price though; no outside interactions with friends. No outside at all.

This book made me realize that whatever I was doing, it was wasting my time. In my labyrinth, the only means of escape was indeed “straight and fast.” Balls up and do it. I couldn’t as a freshman though. Sophomore year it kicked in; I was more confident, willing, ballsy, happy. I always yearned for adventure but never pursued it, but after 9th grade, I took the bull by the horns and had non-consensual sexual intercourse with it. 

But not really. I am still timid and shy; I still fake my confidence; I still sit at home and play video games sometimes. 

I’m trying to change that though. My life is going to waste if I use it for solely those things. I am invincible at this age, and must embrace it before real life hits me.

“When adults say, “Teenagers think they are invincible” with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don’t know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.” 

Guess who? 

Justin Bieber.

Of course I’d write about him. He’s done a lot for me, even though we’ve never met, or even been remotely close to each other physically. 

There are a lot of haters. They don’t like his personality, or his voice, or his music, or how he looks. Whatever it may be. To each his own. Really, I don’t love his music either. He’s like the Taylor Swift for guys. 

But like her songs, they’re basic, with basic chords and basic lyrics, but if you can relate to the song, then it means so much more. 

Justin Bieber really has changed my life. Things like matching colors and an affinity for shoes were not apparent until after I accepted him into my life. All of a sudden, hats and hi tops were attractive and gave me some kind of confidence. A red purple blue green yellow or white outfit helped me hold my head high when walking the halls of school instead of watching my feet to make sure I didn’t make anyone feel uncomfortable with undesired eye contact, or trip over my own clumsy feet. Knowing that the confusing and messed up emotions are being sung about gives me hope. Being assured that many people my age are going through the exact same thing gives me comfort. Having someone be able to convey my complex emotions in 4 simple chords and repetitive lyrics mitigates my inner turmoil and conflict, and reminds me that this too shall pass. 

Looking up to someone younger than I who never lost sight of what he wanted, and worked to achieve it. Who is not Superman and is deeply affected by his haters but is never irreparably broken. 

I admire that. I try to mimic that.

There are a lot of people I could write about. Any person in my life has impacted me in some way, for the better, I’d hope. But I think above all else, my mother tops the list.

I don’t talk about her much, especially on the internet. My friends think she’s cute. She makes nice little desserts for the class meetings and does everything she possibly can for me. She’ll stay up late helping me with my campaign, or stay up late with me watching dramas while I’m doing homework to keep me company. Whether I’m sick or playing video games or stressed or sad or confused or lonely, she’s there. She’s taught me how to shop and fend for myself. She has worked hard all her life to make sure that I can have the best life possible, and to make sure that I can go to whatever university I want to go to and not have to worry about cost. She knows how to find loop holes in the system of coupons and can do all things well. She’s pretty much a superwoman (except when it comes to the internet and computers). She earned two masters degrees and works as a modest waitress.

She’s taught me that patience is important, that hard work really does pay off, that family comes first, that honesty and integrity are paramount, and that a mother’s love is the strongest of all.

But we’re a terrible family. She, this hard working altruistic philanthropist got stuck with the worst husband, the worst children, of the earth. But I’m determined to make sure that all her efforts don’t go to waste. That’s why I think I have a firm grasp on my life; I won’t think about ending myself, or driving into a tree, or doing something incredibly stupid, like crime or drinking and driving. I won’t squander the gift she’s given me because of some rash decision.

1. Skydive
2. Save someone’s life
3. Make a difference
4. Be happy
5. Be the best at something
6. Find true love
7. Scuba dive
8. Bath for two!
9. Create something that lasts
10. Be a good father
11. Write/direct/film/edit my own awesome indie film
12. Lego house
13. Visit Antarctica 
14. Have a pet cat
15. Do what I love and get paid for it, too
16. Sleep with Ladan

No discussion. I’ve never thought of a list before.

I want to accept myself. In what I have presently, I am plenty confident. I can strut in and out of a room feeling like a king in my high tops that match my shirt. It sounds dumb to think that clothes and material things like that contribute so much to a feeling or self confidence, but each person has their thing.

However, I’m not exactly proud of that. No matter what I do, I don’t think it is justified, or viable, or trustworthy, or good enough. “Confidence should be based on personality.” “A cool person can breakdance or sing or draw.” (I can’t do any of those things) etc etc.

I want to learn to be comfortable with who I am, but more importantly, who I am not. I am not my best friends, to whom I compare myself most frequently. I am not a star on ABDC or the guy that helped rewrite the laws of physics. I am not the guy who makes 100’s on everything or the guy that can get any girl he wants. I am not the most altruistic person in the world, nor am I the next Hitler. 

I think I’ve made a lot of progress on my self image in the past year. It’s been a growing experience, no doubt. But I can’t help wondering “when will my reflection show who I am inside?” Hopefully, soon. And hopefully, I’ll be okay with it.